Lying tags along like a shadow and is part of the territory. All three of these elements may occur without even physical touch but remain a great source of betrayal.
If you are caught up in an affair and now need help to end it and recover the lost ground in your marriage then get help here.
When one determines to recover from an affair and restore the marriage it requires a complete reversal of the above three elements. We must immediately stop all secrecy, all emotional intimacy, and the sexual chemistry that contributed to the affair.
There is a phase that occurs directly between the desire to stop the affair and the desire to restore the marriage that the midlife crisis men often call: “caught in the middle”. This middle ground is both critical and important. What you do at this phase will become critical ground when you work at restoring the marriage relationship later on. Whatever actions you do or decisions you make at middle ground will affect the depth of your relationship from this day forward whether it be with a restored marriage or your new relationship. I cannot reinforce enough the importance of how you perform at this phase – it is critical!
At middle ground you are placed into a revaluation mode where the decisions you make will determine your course for the second half of your life. You must revaluate the decisions you’ve made thus far concerning your life and choices in the affair. You must revaluate the moral structure you have lived for in early adulthood and determine how it fits into the rest of your life. You must reassess your roles in life and determine if decisions made thus far are strong enough to carry you the next 30-some years. You must reassess and determine your values concerning family and determine how your choices fit into your vision of your future. You need to count the cost of building a new relationship or rebuilding the marriage relationship into something new rather than something you once had. This revaluation phase is both urgent and important. The wisest man in history once said: “by wise counsel wage your war” Gaining wise and experienced counsel is important at this phase.
Many men or women who arrive at the place of reading this are already at middle ground. You are seeking a resource to help you in forming important decisions. We have already discussed the critical aspect of this time you are in. It may go without saying that the amount of time spent at middle ground will affect you in either relationship. When I was at middle ground I recall saying: “no one is happy. Not my wife. Not my girlfriend. Not myself.” Any decision you make at this point will hurt someone.
Many betrayers in this phase feel trapped. They do not wish to hurt their affair partner or to continue hurting their spouse. Many at this point crave either of their relationship partners to make the decision for them – the affair partner by calling it quits or the spouse by filing for divorce. The responsibility we often shun in midlife crisis though is all on your plate. Middle Ground is difficult but not impossible. Take time apart to evaluate and form your decisions.
Before reading further do this exercise:
1. Ask yourself, what things can you do now to reverse the three elements of an affair
2. What can you do right now to reverse and end secrecy in your marriage relationship?
3. In what ways can you end emotional intimacy outside your marriage?
4. What measures can you put in motion today to bring the sexual chemistry back to the marriage relationship that you once gave to your affair?
5. What unsettled feelings do you have that prevent you from making a quality decision for your life and relationships?
6. Are you in Middle Ground? If so, will you take time apart to reassess your life and choices?
7. What options and choices are you avoiding, if any, that has presently stagnated your life?
8. What can you implement and do to change number 7?